no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
