so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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