I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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