Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Randomize
