My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this boner is exhausting
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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