Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
