just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
