Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
