The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
