oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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