best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
