do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
