At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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