I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The air was thick with penises
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
