This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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