im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
