Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i love accidental penises.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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