You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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