I love black thongs
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
