Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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