did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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