Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
