Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
