On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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