yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
