I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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