yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
