Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
