If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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