Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
