Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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