so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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