i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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