Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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