dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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