you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
