I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
