You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
