i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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