but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize