I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
