Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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