just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
