a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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