Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
