Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
