Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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