My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
