I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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