Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
