i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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