there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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