Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
